What if Episode VII Was Good?

Okay, Johnny Storm, flame off for a second there and hear me out. I am in no way saying that Star Wars Episode VII is a bad movie; far from it. What I will come right out and say is it was not a homerun. It definitely felt like it was a long drive off the top of the wall that scored two, but I still got the feeling that had potential to be knocked out of the park. The title is of course a play off the Bleated Media YouTube channel’s what if Episode I / II / III were good which are worth the watch. Episode VII is a movie you should go watch if you are into the Star Wars Universe and anyone should find it a good experience. That being said from here on out there are going to be major spoilers for the movie so if you have not seen it and have any aversion to spoilers first question why you would be here reading this in the first place, then turn away. This will be here when you come back. 

Okay they should be gone. Let’s get this started.

The Praise

First off I have to give credit were credit is due and give a big applauds to J.J. Abrams. When he was announced as the director of Episode VII the first comment I made was calling the then untitled movie “Star Wars Episode VII: Attack of the Lens Flares.” This is an appalling effect in movie now a days and Abrams — while not the progenitor — is a huge advocate of the practice. For those who don’t know a lens flare happens when a source of light comes directly in contact with the camera’s lens causing blotches and streaks of light across the frame. This is something that does not happen with our eyes naturally (or at the very least our brain is smart enough to eliminate it) thus seeing it in a movie will take you out of the immersion of watching the movie because it disconnects you from the sensation of actually being there. Also bundled with this effect is splashing water or blood on the lens which only helps to point out there is a camera there and not making you feel like you are part of the action.

As for lens flares in Episode VII … they are there but they are both subtle and extenuate the scene. There is one flare late in the movie where Kylo Ren has his back to the camera. The flare stretches the entire bottom of the screen right along the boarder of the frame. This is a very well placed as it adds light to the foreground which contrasts the darkness in the rest of the frame. When this movie comes out of DVD go watch this then go back and watch the abomination that is Star Trek Into Darkness and compare the lens flaring in those movies. In Episode VII you will see them enhancing the scene while in Star Trek you will have frames of so much bloom that if you didn’t see the frames before or after you might not be able to tell who you are actually watching.

As I said before this is a good movie. It is better than any of the prequels, but where does it match up with the original trilogy? Well it is no Empire which I know is not saying much not very many movies are a good an Empire is so don’t think that is a knock in any way. It is no Jedi either as Jedi has to give closure to the series (HA!) and tie up all those loose threads — so much so that really when you think about it Jedi should be about 40 minutes long in total if it didn’t, nothing really happens. Honestly if I was going to sit down and type of a critique of the movie (…meta) I’d put is on par with a New Hope … mostly because:

Problem #1: DON’T REMAKE A NEW HOPE!!!!!!!

Abrams, my God man. I know this is another start of a trilogy. I know this is another hero’s journey. I know this is a hugely popular franchise that if you mess this up this interents will implode. I know you are trying to emulate New Hope but YOU MADE THE EXACT SAME MOVIE. Inigo Montoya should be here slapping you across the face and questioning your cogitation of the word emulate. Emulate != Plagiarize.

So I’m sure you are doubting that The Force Awakens is a carbon copy of a New Hope. “Search your feelings, you know it to be true!” and if you still don’t: I will list a set of plot points here and tell me what you think.

• Nazi fill-ins are looking for secret data that has fallen into the hands of either enemy.
• Nazi fill-ins are lead by a mysteriously powerful man with special powers who dresses all in black.
• Nazi fill-ins slaughter a group of people who temporarily had the data before hiding it inside a marketable cute droid.
• Droid escapes the grasp of the bad guys on a desert planet.
• Droid finds its way into the company of a character fathered by a man named Skywalker.
• Hero questions the integrity of the Millennium Falcon.
• Millennium Falcon is shot at by the Nazi fill-ins while they are trying to escape pursuit on the desert planet.
• Millennium Falcon caught in a tractor beam and pulled into a much larger ship.
• Hero hide from boarding party in smuggling holds.
• Hero meets Older Man From Wars Past who the Hero sees as a father figure they never had.
• An attempt to get transportation in an intergalactic bar/truck stop.
• Giant hologram transmission from Mysterious Man in Black’s master.
• Nazi fill-ins have giant base.
• Nazi fill-ins’ base has a giant laser with the capability to destroy planets.
• Nazi fill-ins destroy a planet of an unsuspecting victims with said laser to prove its power.
• Only female protagonist captured by Nazi fill-ins.
• Droid with secret data makes it way to the Ally fill-ins.
• Ally fill-ins decide to take out the giant laser.
• Giant laser’s boss weak spot is on the surface.
• Trench Run.
• Impromptu rescue mission to save only female protagonist.
• Old Man From Wars Past has past history with Mysterious Man in Black.
• Old Man From Wars Past is struck down by Mysterious Man in Black in front of the Hero.
• Single space plane takes out entire Nazi fill-ins’ base.
• Hero decides to follow in the footsteps of the father figure they just met.

Okay so tell me which of the two movies I am referring to in this list.  Yes, yes … “You want this, don’t you? The hate is swelling in you now … Give in to your anger …. Let the hate flow through you!” I’ll say it again The Force Awakens is a carbon copy of a New Hope.

Now it is common practice if you are going to restart a franchise after a lengthy time off that you start with a basic rehash of the original with what amounts to a new coat of paint. I know it isn’t the greatest example as the reboots where a bit of a failure, but the first one to come to mind is The Lost Boys. The Lost Boys had at 21 year gap between the first and second installments and the two movies are basically the same exact one with an update to the character, setting, and modern aesthetic — a.k.a. the formula for rebooting. You do this to show a new generation what made the first movie so good that is warrants a squeal while giving them something closer to what they are used to seeing.

However this is Star Wars. So many people love Star Wars so many people have already passed Star Wars onto their kids and grand kids. The movie didn’t need this much of a point by point rehash. By having the original cast involved you already had your link to Episodes IV – VI. With that you could have condensed the set-up of this movie into 25-30 minutes and started a fresh plot instead of having the entire movie feel like it is just a serialized setup for things to come. Now granted it really doesn’t help that a New Hope played more like a B-Movie or Sci-Fi serial in general. The similarity of the two movies are like two sides of a coin. Yes they both have different looked, but when you stop and think about it they are both the same coin. You wasted and entire movie so I guess we can look forward to Episode IX Part 1 and 2?

Now with the plots of Episode IV and Episode VII being so similar the things that the things that are different really stand out and a lot of them I have major questions about. And not about how like you’d hope, but more about why. Like “Why did they go X way?” or “Why was that handled Y way?” instead of “Where is Z leading?”

Problem #2: Kylo Ren

For example Kylo Ren is supposed to be a Darth Vader figure thus you actually want to see similarity between the two characters. By dressing him up all in black with a mask and having him be fluent in the Force clues you in that he is a Vader character.

We as humans naturally do this; we stereotype. When we meet a new person we see three or four small details about them that remind us of other people who we know and from that we extrapolate a basic personality for the person in our heads. This is a psychological short hand that we use to make bonds between people. Is it fair? No. Have you ever known someone for a long while and have an idea of what that person would like only to have them thrown some curve ball and have some characteristic that is 180 degrees in the other direction? Of course you have and you were taken aback by the response you got. How do I know this? Because we are both human beings and this is how we function. If you honestly have never had this sensation I would be taken aback because through stereotyping I just assumed we were both the same as it is a basic characteristic of being human. Basically if you met me within the first few seconds you’d have a basic idea of who I am that your mind will then build on gaining a better and better picture, but you can never have an exact image of me in your head. For more on this look up the “Definition of Me” and you can learn all about this.

Digression. For example if I was writing a story and I describe someone as lanky with jet black hair and all dressed all in black you are going to get an image of that character above when I described. You might add in that he is an emo kid, depressive, hair spiked, always a scowl on his face, looking down and the ground while he walked, etc. In actually he might be a upbeat surfer who is just wearing a black bodysuit at the time. This is an idea of stereotyping and the short hand is used in movies all the time. If you go back to the first Iron Man movie as soon as he is introduced you should know that Obadiah Slane is the bad guy (large, male, muscular, bald, beard, desire for money, bitter ego among other things) whether you have read the comics or not. Small clues give you the character so the movie doesn’t have to show you him standing on a pile of baby’s skulls while twirling his mustache to show he is evil.

So when we are introduced to Ren he is doing exactly what Vader was doing when we were introduced to him and wearing a similar outfit. The parallels are a little too blatant. We expect him to at least be where Vader was at the beginning of the original trilogy. We assume he is on the bad side, he is conflicted in his role, and he is manipulative but is a puppet himself. Except he isn’t Vader. The movie makes him out to be then pulls the 180 turn and because of all the clues you are given you are constantly disappointed in the character — at least I was. The biggest, most blatant moment in my mind, that Ren strays from the Vader parallel is when he take off his mask for Rey.

When someone wares a mask it is one of a few possible reasons: mask their identity to the outside world, intimation, protection, distancing the actions of the masked from the non-masked. The Vader mask is intimating there is no doubt about that and for most of the trilogy it server that purpose. In the original trilogy Vader is seen with his mask off twice; once in a New Hope and once in Jedi. In a New Hope we see him from behind as his mask is being put back on. Up until this point we had only seen this tall menacing machine doing bad things. With this scene we see Vader is, while “being more machine than man” as Obi-wan put it, still a man underneath there. It humanizes the monster was are seeing and we can empathize with a man more than a machine. And of course in Jedi he has Luke take it off before he dies and we see that in fact the monster we saw was just a poor broken man the entire time.

Ren on the other hand he wares his mask because Vader wore a mask? I guess. He certainly doesn’t need to ware it like Vader did as it isn’t keeping him alive. He doesn’t need to ware it for protection as he proves in the first minute of the movie he can stop a blaster shot in some stasis bubble. He also isn’t hiding his identity as seemingly everyone in the plot knows exactly who he is and no one is afraid to say it. In the original trilogy the reveal of who Vader was happens in the climax of the second movie. Here Ren’s familial bonds are immediately called into question by Darth Crappy CGI Alien from Crystal Skulls 20 minutes into the movie at this point the audience knows it is either Luke or Leia’s child (In case you missed the 10 or so times they tell you in the movie later he is Leia and Han’s child). As a result the reveal does not come as any shock at all unless you might be coming into the movie never seeing the previous ones or existing on the internet, but that being said the shock of it being some old man’s child shouldn’t elicit much of a reaction either as you have zero vested into the characters. It is almost as matter of fact as sky is blue, grass is green, Death Stars blow up.

Like Vader you have some intimidation factor going on, but you lose that once you see his face pure as day. He loses his big bad-ass monster persona and immediately adopts a whiny little kid persona. Removing the mask literally turns Darth Vader into Anakin Skywalker. If that is what you were going for I guess congratulations Abrams you reminded me the prequel existed. My only hope is that he keeps wearing the mask now because he was sliced in the face by a light saber. He seems like a pretty boy character and if they keep him going into that direction narcissism could get the better of him and he could ware the mask to hide his scar a la Doctor Doom from the Fantastic Four Universe. Good character development that I don’t expect and if they go that way you heard it hear first.

Which brings me to the motivations for joining the Dark Side. Why did Ren turn? Back to Vader for a second. Why did Vader turn? If you go by the original trilogy it is because … no reason. None was ever given because none was ever needed. The fact that there was no motivation to his madness made Vader even that more menacing for a villain. In the prequel we find out he had his fears and anger manipulated by the Palpatine. This does take away a little of Vader badassery. It is the same problem you have with Rob Zombie’s Halloween when you humanize the monster that is Mike Myers you lose the monster that is Mike Myers. Overall this did little to the character of Darth Vader, but it still changed. So why did Ren turn? Because his parents want him to be able to control his powers? No … forget that question mark. That is exactly the reason.

In the movie Leia and Han explicitly state that they lost their son when they sent him off to train with his uncle, Luke. So in what can only being described as Anakin-levels of teenage angst Ren turned to the Dark Side because his parents, the most badass woman in the galaxy and Han freaking Solo, sent him to the Star Wars equivalent of Hogwarts to train with the most powerful wizard in the universe. Ren has the life that so many 40-somethings living in their parent’s basements could only write fan fiction about and he rebels against it?

The other side of the story is that he has Vader’s skull. Why does he have Vader’s skull? The existence of Vader’s skull was spoiled for me on Yahoo when a headline reading “We Now Know Who Has Vader’s Skull” popped up on my browser and I had the same reaction now as I did then: Is Vader’s skull a thing? So someone decided to take the skull as a souvenir and it found its way into Ren’s hands? That seems extremely unlikely as no one that was on Endor’s moon (did it ever have a name?) would have wanted to take it. I did not get into extended universe or anything. My views of the movie universe come from the movie universe so maybe Vader’s skull is a thing of pure evil and it is speaking to him but it shouldn’t be.

Remember in Jedi Vader gets redemption. While Vader has always been seeing as a monster and a dark character his has always wavered more towards the Evil-Neutral ground. Even in the prequel he has this moment of conflict where he want to do the right thing and he has an inner struggle (I mean it is there; it is literally a blink and you miss it line). There is definitely good in Vader it just doesn’t come out very often thus his skull shouldn’t be this artifact of pure evil that can manipulate people to the Dark Side. If anything it should be Palpatine’s femur that does that. There is a lot that doesn’t make sense about his turn and we are only one third of the way through. However so much is already stated adding more to it seems like less of a “I am your father” revelation and more of damage control.

Also, and wow does it seem like I am really beating on him now, remember when I said “We expect him to at least be where Vader was at the beginning of the original trilogy” based on the parallels and introduction in the story? Well we find out that he is very NOT Vader in this regard. Vader is a master manipulator; it cannot be stressed enough. Whether it be from his appearance or the Force or charisma Vader is a master at his art. We meet Vader and he is an extremely capable man who you can really see sitting in the #2 role looking for his chance to move ahead. He is what you want Starscream to be. Vader takes orders form the Emperor and works as his informant. He will council, but never demand. And one things you never see Vader do is go off script. He is a loyal solider up to the moment when he is ready to stab Palpatine in the back. Ren is not that.

He is defiantly a rookie being thrown into the big game and you can see that through not only his actions but the fact the Darth CGI has to tell you in case you missed it. Ren’s orders at the beginning of the movie is to retrieve BB-8 or destroy it if he can’t. If the “Resistance” (I’ll get to those quotes later) gets their hands on the map in BB-8 that will help them find Luke which Darth CGI does not want. Without it the chance of finding Luke in their lifetimes were extremely unlikely so if you can’t take the fortress head-on you lay siege and starve them out. Ren however goes off script. He wants the map he lets his emotions get the better of him. Vader just could not find R2-D2 in time. He never had orders to destroy the plans for the Death Star and even if he destroying a ship holding a senator (Leia) while the Imperial Senate was still in tact could have a catastrophic effect. It wasn’t until after the Senate is dissolved does the Empire get genocidal. You would never seen Vader openly defy the Emperor. You see Ren openly defy his master which is a very Anakin thing to do. He lets BB-8 fall into the hands of the “Resistance” because he believes he can just extract the map from Rey and (presumably) go deal with Luke himself. 

You see a little bit of Ren’s manipulation ability during his showdown with his father. He plays off the inner struggle inside him which in turn makes Han lower his guard from nothing to still nothing. It honestly doesn’t do anything to the story as anyone how has a pulse at that point should be readying Taps for Han. All the exchange did for me was remind me yet again of Anakin and softened the blow Han’s death as it was telegraphed a mile away. Han was dead the second he let Ren know he was there which was a terrible way for him to go. He should have laid down his life in a more heroic way like trying to save Ren in same way … and just giving Ren something to honestly struggle over.

(Side Note: Does Han call Ren “Ben” in that scene? I could not tell it went by too fast and Ben and Ren are so similar to each other already. While the idea of Ren’s real name being Ben in remembrance to Obi-wan would be an amazing idea, Harrison Ford is the only one in the entire series to call the Falcon “fALcon” and everyone else calls it “fALLcon” so who know, guess we wait til DVD and subtitles)

This is the problem you have when you make blatant parallels like this. Correctly done would have the two characters be really similar and slowly drift apart. This ends up being almost a throw away villain as other than chasing the protagonist around he doesn’t do much to change the status quo. You could bring up the argument that Ren is his own person and thus shouldn’t be judge by Vader’s actions and to that I say: put him in a different movie that New Hope 2.0.

Problem #3: The Resistance

Not to bring up Inigo again but: “You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.”

I know this one is a bit of a nitpick thing, but still. This might get a little confusing when trying to pin down the history and how the groups at names. Starting in Episode I we have the Republic in power and they are taken out over the course of the first three movies by Palpatine’s manipulation. By the time Episode IV comes around Palpatine has dissolved the Imperial Senate. When the Rebel Alliance destroy the second Death Star the Empire is all gone. In it places a New Republic is formed and the remnant of the Empire form the First Order.

So they New Republic is a democratically-elected governing body in the universe and the new way of government and the First Order is a group of fascist formed from the old villains and form of government. So with that in mind what side is “The Resistance” on? Obviously the Resistance would be the one resisting the active government and thus would be working for the First Order. Nope. The Resistance, the group lead by Leia Organa, seems to be off shoot of  New Republic. The leaders of the First Order have made it a point to say this Resistance is being funded by the New Republic in the movie. So who are they resisting? If the First Order was the dominate government then calling them the Resistance might make sense. Unless I just didn’t get the relationship between the parties, but in that case boo on the movie for not explaining well enough.

My guess is this is one those moments where the writer think the audience is too stupid. The current Resistance is comprised as people who we have known as the Rebel Alliance for such a long time. How can people who have been going against the government so long ever settle down and not be apart of said government because that has never happened in this history of ever. #sarcasm

Problem #4: Lightsabers

Lightsabers go hand in hand with Star Wars like bread and butter. These laser swords have been in every movie and appeared as early as 20 minutes into the first one as a weapon of the Jedi Knights. This movie though there seems to be a real disconnect with lightsabers of old and lightsabers now.

The first thing I noticed is people didn’t lose body parts in the movie. Every movie to this point has had some sort of limb removal whether it be the muggler’s arm in the Cantina on Tatooine, the Whompa’s arm on Hoth, Luke’s hand in Cloud City, Darth Maul’s torso on Naboo, What was so different about this movie that I actually noticed there was no limb removal? The answer is probably Disney, but still. Honestly there is one fight that involved some dismemberment and I might not be remember too well (the problem with having storm troopers look the same they all blend together too easily), but other than that possibility I don’t think anyone else lost a limb and if they did they didn’t make it a point to show it like they did in the other movies.

The second thing I noticed is people didn’t lose body parts in the movie. The lightsaber seemed extremely neutered while yes there were deaths and people getting run straight though with lightsabers. There were many opportunity for major damage, but it all seemed very nominal. During the climatic lightsaber fight between Rey, Finn, and Ren there were many instances where I feel something more should have happened. Finn take a saber strike right up the strap from Ren and somehow survives it. This is a universe where Luke’s hand comes off with what amounts to a gentle off-balance swipe; yet Ren gets hit spine split. Then Ren takes a saber across is leg and then up the side of his face from Rey and comes out of it with scratches. I personally thought Rey has decapitated her cousin with the swing that knocked him down which would have seemed so much more fitting end to the fight between her and the man who killed her newly acquired mentor. Instead we get an earthquake that stopped the fight (and left Rey on the wrong side of the chasm that opened up that Finn or the Falcon, but lets not be that petty)

Another thing involving the climatic lightsaber fight that I found perplexing is: How Finn and Rey even remotely holding their ground against Ren? I understand that Ren is still training and he has much much work to do (see problem #1), he is skilled enough to deflect blaster fire. Plusthe other two have ever touched a lightsaber before the movie began. Finn is so inept that he asks not-Edna Mode for a weapon before she response with “you have one” and he turns on the saber. Ren has training with the weapon. You see younglings training on the weapon in the prequels. You see Obi-wan training Luke with one in New Hope then doesn’t even use it until Empire. It can’t just be a easy as the pointing and shooting of a blaster. Now yes you can pick up a sword and start swinging it around. I mean I have done that myself with the swords I own and that is how I almost lost my finger. But to not have any training and go toe-to-toe with someone who is skilled at the activity is ludicrous.

The most out-there ligthsaber moment came from the vision sequence in the basement of the not-Cantina. During this vision both the audience and Rey see Luke and R2. We see Ren seemingly standing over the bodies of other students that he killed. When she comes out of it she is greated by Maz Kanata explaining that it is the lightsaber of Luke and Anakin Skywalker and she should take it. How does the lightsaber know these visions to show her? First off that lightsaber is the one Luke lost in Cloud City when is lost his hand to Vader. It is not as if the saber was the one Luke has during the events in the vision. How would it have gained knowledge of things that it was not around for. Second since when has artifacts been sentient to be able to pass information on? Between this and Vader’s Skull is this the new deux ex machina? It is not good either way.

Problem #5: Bonus

Just some random thing that were mind boggling.

1. Chewbacca blows off Leia

After Han Solo dies and everyone returns to the Resistance base. Everyone is cheering about the victory. The exception is Leia who doesn’t see Han come back and is obviously upset she then turns to Rey and hugs it out with her. Why? There are two people who have the right to be upset about Han’s death and that is Chewbacca and Leia. And it isn’t like Chewie is absent from the scene he just walks right by Leia and goes to the cheering crowd as she focuses on Rey . These two should be having this moment together since they both just lost their best friend. While everyone else is cheering Leia should be with Chewie not Rey who at this point she has never met before (I mean recently I would assume she met her niece at some point, but maybe not).

2. No one refers to Rey as Luke’s child

This one is a big of a odd one to put on here because at no point in the movie did anyone ever make the connection that Rey is Luke’s kid. No one ever mentions her family or asks about it. I didn’t even hear a throw away line. Nothing. Now the movie told us that she is his daughter with the whole lightsaber vision sequence. The subtly is not strong in this one as it was a huge frying pan to the face of the audience that she is Luke’s daughter at that point. Mav mentions that she was talking about her to Han Solo before going down into the basement after her vision and she seems to be very versed in things Skywalker, but nothing is explicitly said. There are two characters that exhibit Force powers Ren and Rey. We know where Ren got his powers from why not just mention why Rey has hers? If this is Abrams idea of foreshadowing I don’t have a good feeling about Episode VIII The First Order Strikes Back and I want to point out that I am available to help write.